Arrived Alive

Ok so we made it to Camp Pendleton. I was really ready to hate it here. To not be happy. I was so happy at Quantico, I had a great house, a great gym, friends that didn't demand too much time from me but that were there at all the appropriate times and vice versa. My son was there, at TBS and he came by on the weekends and some days during the week. It was really my little slice of heaven on the east coast. Then the Marine Corps, well, the Corps broke it's promise. Our orders clearly stated that we would be there for 2 years, and by my calculations we had only been there a year, sorry Corps.....your math is wrong. I forgot Semper Gumby for a moment, I railed against the broken promise, I acted like a novice Marine Corps spouse that didn't know how often the Corps can do that to you...do what you ask? Put the mission first of course. And so as ordered I begrudgingly helped my husband load up the truck and move to Beverly...well Pendleton but that isn't in the song..so ya.... Ok so we have been here a little over a month, almost two. And I have to say. I love it. Ok so how do you go from fear and loathing to love? You do what every good military wife does.......you bloom where you are planted. I put on my big girl pants, looked out my window of our beautiful condo we are renting.....and there was the beach (normally I HATE the beach) and decided to love it...and you know what. It worked. Attitude is an amazing thing, it can change you, and how you feel about anything and I decided to love it here. Not only for me, but for my family. I will let you in on a little secret. When I am not happy, my husband is miserable, he loves me, and not in a shallow, romance novel way. But in a deep down to his bones kind of way and I will tell you this is a mutual love. If he is not happy I am miserable as well. Thing is he tends to be a very positive person where I linger on the more pessimistic side. So back to the story. I didn't want to make my unhappiness make him miserable so I did what I needed to do to find a way to be happy here. I embraced the beach, our neighborhood and our home. It truly is beautiful here. We live a few blocks from the beach (we live off base) our home is beautiful and we can walk everywhere. It's really been nice. I still yearn for the east coast but this is where my home is now and I am going to be happy. My son is still at TBS, he should pick back up on his training soon. I miss him but he is happy and that makes me happy. I am still in pain over the loss of our Shin. I am dumbstruck at the depth of pain losing him has caused. I just had no idea losing him would be as tough as it was. He was old, he had an amazing life, he was loved and cared for and he was sick. He was losing his ability to breath and he wasn't thriving so it was time, I have no doubt about that. In my life I have lost a sister, my mother and many people I have loved and to put Shins death among the grief I felt at losing them is not lost on me. But it is what it is. My husband told me that I should stop questioning my grief and stop trying to rationalize it. I feel what I feel. I miss him terribly. I find myself crying for him a lot. Not as much as I did but I am still crying. He was with us for 13 1/2 years. He was my only companion when my son left for college and my husband constantly deployed. I spent a lot of time with him and taking long walks. I shared a lot of my fears with him when my husband was deployed, I cried on his soft fur when my son left for college and he always knew when I was sad, he would walk right over to me and put his head in my lap, that was just the kind of dog he was. He didn't just do that for me, he did that for all of us. I hope that he knew that he meant the world to us, I hope he felt half the love he gave in return. I hope that I can be the person he thought I was. I don't know if I can ever get another dog, I don't know if I would ever be able to look at another dog and not think he's not Shin. Jeez even as I type this I am crying. Its true what they say, the only fault in dogs is that they don't live long enough. Ok well that is all I have for now. I really think I need to start blogging more again, I have promised myself to try and I will. I don't think anyone is even reading anymore but that is ok. I will still write, for me, for my family that maybe will read this one day. Have a great day everyone......